Last Hope (Boyfriends, Brothers, and Blood)
by JasperWhitlockHale1863
Summary: TW: Self Harm. Post-breakup Alec dealing with depression. Dark at the beginning, happier ending. Song fic to Paramore's 'Last Hope'.


I don't even know myself at all,  
I thought I would be happy by now  
The more I try to push it,  
I realize gotta let go of control

Eight months ago Alec Lightwood thought he would never find happiness. Seven months ago he began cutting. Six months ago he began to have suicidal thoughts. Five months ago his little brother saw his scars. Four months ago Alec met Magnus. Three months ago Alec felt happier. Two months ago he stopped cutting. One month ago Alec thought he would never be sad again. Yesterday Alec had his heart broken.

Gotta let it happen,  
Gotta let it - happen.  
Gotta let it happen,  
Just let it - happen.

'I have to get over it, I guess. It was my fault. Everything's my faul…' Alec's pen broke, the ink pouring over the page. It reminded him of the way his blood flowed over his wrists, the joy it brought him.

It's just a spark,  
But it's enough, to keep me going.

Alec had four reasons for living – two of them now gone, the other two almost too busy to care.

And when it's dark out, no one's around,  
It keeps glowing.

But he had to live, if for nothing else, for the memory of his brother. The pain in his little face when he found Alec with a blade in his hand. What the little boy would look like if Alec died. What Alec looked like when he lost his brother.

Every night I try my best to dream,  
Tomorrow makes it better.

Alec tried to dream of happier times – when he was still with Magnus or summer days spent with Max, Jace, and Isabelle.

And I wake up to the cold reality,  
And not a thing has changed.

These were only dreams, escapes from reality. When Alec awoke Isabelle and Jace were off with their significant others, Magnus was gone, and Max was dead.

But it will happen,  
Gotta let it happen!  
Gotta let it happen,  
Gotta let it happen

Two days later Isabelle found Alec with his blade, his first time cutting since those many months ago. The look on his sister's face mirrored that of their little brother's when he found out.

It's just a spark,  
But it's enough, to keep me going.

Isabelle vowed to spend more time with Alec. She made Jace spend time with Alec too, though did not tell him why. Alec made Isabelle swear not to tell anyone, and she agreed – as long as he stopped. This secret was too much for Alec to tell anyone besides the siblings he was related to by blood.

And when it's dark out, no one's around,  
It keeps glowing.

Clary had always been good at figuring things out – she had figured out that Alec was gay, and now she figured out about his self harm. Clary tried to spend time alone with Alec – though never telling him she knew.

It's just a spark,  
But it's enough, to keep me going.  
And when it's dark out, no one's around,  
It keeps glowing.

Alec and Clary had formed a strange friendship. It wasn't as close as Jace and Alec's parabatai bond, but Alec now considered Clary a sister.

And the salt in my wounds,  
Isn't burning anymore than it used to.

"I know you know," Alec said one day while he and Clary were taking a walk in the woods. "I know you know my weakness, how I'm not strong enough to-" Clary put her hand over Alec's mouth. She quickly pulled away, knowing Alec didn't like to be touched.

It's not that I don't feel the pain,  
It's just I'm not afraid of hurting anymore.

Alec sat down and cried, cried the tears that he had been holding in for so many months. Clary sat down next to him, careful to give him his space. She was shocked when Alec wrapped his arms around her, awkwardly, as he is so much taller then she is.

And the blood in these veins,  
Isn't pumping any less than it ever has.

Alec had lied to Isabelle. He had cut three times since his talk with Isabelle. But ever since that walk in the woods with Clary he had stopped.

And that's the hope I have,  
The only thing I know is keeping me alive. Alive!

Alec thought that he needed his siblings to help him out of his depression, but in reality he needed Clary. He needed a friend.

Gotta let it happen,  
Gotta let it - happen!  
Gotta let it happen,  
Gotta let it - happen!  
Gotta let it happen,  
Gotta let it - happen!  
Gotta let it happen,  
Gotta let it - happen!

Alec continued his life, happier now. He no longer had his life revolving around a man. The breakup with Magnus had actually turned out to be a good thing. He trained every day, but made time for his family and friends too.

It's just a spark,  
But it's enough, to keep me going.  
(So if I let go of control now, I can be strong!)

Alec was stronger now. He didn't need a blade to cause him joy. He had a life, a good life that he could live to the fullest.

And when it's dark out, no one's around,  
It keeps glowing.

Sure, it wouldn't be a bad thing to have a man he could spend the rest of his life with, but for now Alec was happy on his own.

It's just a spark,  
But it's enough, to keep me going.  
(So if I keep my eyes closed, with a blind hope!)  
And when it's dark out, no one's around,  
It keeps glowing. (oh!)

Alec had lost a brother, a boyfriend, and blood. Alec is stronger now. He gained a sister, happiness, and a better life.


End file.
